And this is where my story began….
An unplanned pregnancy that led to my greatest blessing. However, I could never prepare for what the journey had in store.
Everyone who has the opportunity to become a mother has some kind of vision of what motherhood will look like. For me, my journey was filled with shame, guilt, and many broken pieces. I always wanted to be a mother, I also knew parenting was never designed to be easy, but I was so excited about the possibilities it would bring. So naturally, I envisioned what the journey would look like for me. A beautiful pregnancy, A loving and devoted partner to share the burdens and joys of parenting, a beautiful home to raise a child in, family and friends that would extend help at every corner, and a prayer life that would carry us through the ups and downs of life. However, my reality of pregnancy and motherhood was quite the opposite.
I became pregnant in one of the lowest seasons of my life. I was grieving the unexpected deaths of loved ones, the world had just shut down due to the COVID outbreak, and I had prepared to endure pregnancy and motherhood already as a single parent. There were so many conflicting feelings because this was supposed to be my dream come true; I was stable, and I had a great career and a phenomenal support system. I was a homeowner, with dreams and goals I was still accomplishing but also living out. However, I didn't want it to happen like this...I didn't want it to happen like this.
I struggled a great deal with what was my reality. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be the perfect mom because my situation was far from ideal. I was grieving the life I desired for me and my baby girl while still adjusting to my current situation. I went back and forth with Mommy guilt, finding my footing raising my daughter as a single parent, managing the stress and uncertainty of the state of society, and struggling with standing strong in my faith, all while trying to care for, be present, and love a little human. As broken as I was, I knew she was the purest, and most innocent extension of me. So I did what I needed to do, I held it together for her. I went into survival mode just to function and make it through.
After a short period of time, I soon came to realize that surviving was just getting me by. I was parenting while bleeding from my broken pieces. I slipped into a really dark place just a few months after my daughter's birth. I had allowed my guilt and shame take the place of my confidence. I allowed myself to be consumed by my situation completely distorting the peace and the joy I craved so badly. I allowed disappointment and heartbreak to fuel a rage in me that I could not extinguish. I allowed the pressure I placed on myself to crush my faith, and distorted any hope I had for myself and my future.
I had become unrecognizable, from the inside out. I felt and looked defeated in every way. Almost 10 months had passed and I had become so used to the pain, I grew content with not making a change. To be honest, Im not sure when it “clicked for me”. I can tell you sometime after my daughter’s first birthday there was a shift. I knew I couldn't let another year go by stealing precious time, and moments. I literally hated the person I had become.
I went through what I called my identity crisis; completely overwhelmed with unbecoming, unlearning, and losing so much of myself, I no longer recognized who I was. My focus had solely shifted to everything it took to become a caring, active, present, and loving mother however I neglected to be all of that for myself. I neglected to deal with the deepest parts of my pain and trauma and I allowed that pain to shape the woman I had become.
Over time, I was able to develop a plan for restoration. I fought through the grief of who I once was: my disappointments, my own guilt and shame, my anger, and my expectations. With therapy, newfound faith and strength, and some coping tools along the way, I created a new foundation. You see, even as the story was being written the birth of my child was also the death of me. There were things I had to experience, things I had to grow through that allowed for an opportunity for me to be made new.
This journey is still far from easy and I have not reached the “end”. However, I walk confidently in each season and milestone that I am in. I extend myself grace and I walk this journey at my own pace.
My goal is to help other women know and understand there is power in their stories. That there is purpose in our pain and strength for the road ahead. Your situation, your mental health, and your circumstance do not have to be the end, but an unexpected and beautiful beginning.
Moms in power was created for women like myself, on a journey of unbecoming to become all that we desire to be in motherhood. A safe place to be vulnerable and transparent as you locate strength and re-affirmed of your power.